Shh

How do you get the demons in your head to stop talking? I would really like to know. They feed on my worries until I'm broken and then make me feel like I shouldn't be here. I don't like this feeling. My heart is so weak. Im such a weak person and I hate it. I reach out to grab the things I want in my life but quickly withdrawal my hand because I'm scared it will end up hurting me. Oh, how I wish to fearlessly grab hold of those things i hold dear without emptiness. I want to hold them close and adore them. I hate trembling in this shattered silence. One thing I'm glad for is you've never seen me cry. I'd like to keep it that way. I dont want to be a burden. Why do I allow myself to fall for imperfections? I fall so much harder because then I love the whole instead of thr pieces and it's that much harder to keep at a distance.
I need to sleep...

Holding back

Im frightened by my feelings for you. Im scared to love you. I feel myself withdrawing somewhat emotionally at least a little bit because I can't afford another heart break. Im so uncertain with everything. I second guess my actions, i overthink simple gestures, i can't stop myself from believing that I'm getting nothing but pretty lies again. I tell you "I love you" and it's not a lie but it's not the full truth either because I'm terrified of falling in love with you. I don't want to be left behind, i want something i can look forward to for a long time. Since I'm going to be a mother soon it makes it all the more difficult because I dont want to force you into a relationship with the both of us. My heart heaves with worry and doubt. Don't play with me and leave... please. Ive been mesmerized by you for a long time and I would hate to be disappointed and hurt. Im nothing special but you make me feel spectacular when you look at me, my heart flutters just thinking of you, and your smile melts me. However my mind reminds me of the times I let my feelings win and how it has destroyed me, then I take the love that wants to grow and throw it away and that makes me sad.
I doubt myself, i doubt that i deserve something like love, i doubt that i am pretty, i doubt that im interesting, i doubt that I'm really welcome in my own group of friends. Im really messed up and Im just able to hold it together because I dont want to been seen as a emotional person. But my armor is paper thin, i can blame it on hormones for now... how i wish I could tell you that im scared to fall in love with you, but it will never leave my lips.
Sin