Proof

I need to learn to tell myself the truth better, that way i never get disappointed or set my hopes too high just to see them crash down. My body is heavy once again. "How long are we going to keep this going?...I should drop off closer to when the time comes." I'm surprised I was able to keep a sort of straight face as he told me this. I knew it was coming, but I fooled myself into believing maybe it wouldn't, again. That maybe something about me would be special enough to make them feel more than what I knew was there.  I'm just an idiot though. I always reach out to the ones that don't want me, always hoping that I could somehow be something that is desirable. However, I should know that collectables aren't meant to be enjoyed. They are mearly to be displayed. I put my own mind in ruins as I continue to break myself apart by desiring that which is not meant to be mine.

Reality bend

Like most dreams you are the main character but this one was rather interesting. It started off as a bunch of people playing a game. The objective was survival. I was hiding in a room when someone burst in. At first he didnt think I was playing but I "hit"his stomach he smiled and replied "you are playing! Pow pow! Your dead." Aparently warrior wasnt going to win in a game with finger guns. So I fell to the ground like a game of "no bones" and he looked at me weird looted me and went on his way. Many people looked at my body and commented that I didnt have to stay dead in such a manner but I stayed silent and they eventually went away. Upon starting the next game I went with magic class and somehow turned into sailor mars (at least the outfit). I remember going up against a girl acting the same exact character as me but the game ended before the fight concluded. I met up with my sister and we roamed around the rather large neighborhood deciding it'd be best to go home soon since it was getting late. Soon chaos started happening and buildings were on fire. My sister and I got separated somehow and by the time I found her she'd changed into something similar looking to a husk from mass effect but she kept insisting we fuse together. I ran away, not knowing how to save her, I ran.
After a couple months of not returning to the spot my sister was, I'd done a lot of research and met up with another person like me. He just wanted to know what the hell was going on. By this time I knew and wanted to show him so i took him to the place my sister was pretty much haunting. I told him to keep hidden and stepped into the room (it looked like a conference room with a wall of windows on one side and a projector screen). As my sister appeared in her purpleish almost dead biotic way she asked me if i was ready to finally fuse. I said I was and this apparently startled my hiding comrade as he reviled his location and starting running towards me, it was too late though. I held my arms open wide to my sister and just as we were about to embrace and her purple haze surrounded me i broke the chain on my neck. The tags that were attached to it flung to my sister like a magnet upon being released and she stopped. There was a hazy look in her eyes as I stepped away and she started hugging herself lovingly.
"To think it was the tags the entire time" I said. "They are the key to survival" "Wait what do you mean?" My companion asked but all I could do was smile as a bright light shined on me and I started to fade away. "You'll see!"
I took the headset off that had the alternate reality in it. I was in a place like a library. I stood and went to the receptionist. "Congratulations, you made it!" She said happily.
The point of the game was to present a person that you care deeply about in a way that you had to save them from themselves. You just had to find the key (which was a necklace like dog tags you always have on you in the game) there are subtle clues throughout the game pointing to the tags being the key). If one did not save them (aka they just killed them) the whole process would start over and the person would think they just had a weird dream. It was in an effort to find a better way to do things rather than kill, to make the world a better place.
My real sister then walked up to me welcomed me home and we went out for ice cream. On the way out, I passed by a boy taking off his head gear and we smiled at each other
"See you later comrade"

Just don't want to forget this dream :)

Selfishness

The time I spend in your company is the time I use to pretend someone actually cares about me romantically. I pretend we are in love, I prentend you miss me. I pretend many things in my head and make believe a relationship that will never be. In all actuality the time we spend together is nothing more than two people using one another for pleasure. Whether I'm there or not, that doesn't really matter to you, but I pretend it does so that I'm not so alone. You are using me for just as you said you would, and I'm using you until you cannot stand to look at me anymore. As my stomach swells, I get more and more nervous you won't want me the same, and you'll just end up dropping me like nothing. But at the same time it would force me into a reality where I need to relearn to be on my own.
I force myself to see you only once or twice a week, that's all I can truely muster.
But as I sit here and think about it, I wonder if I use you for a pretend life or if I use you for the euphoric feeling of being held. The way you speak to me in the midst of things. You tell me you love something that I do, honey, prepare for a lot to come because I only aim to please. Oh, but how I wish you wouldn't call me "baby" when we touch, my brain only makes things more complicated. At least, for now, I have something to rely on. As long as my sex drive is active, I know I can count on you to help me. However, I wish I could count on stability rather than misplaced dreams.
Not a cry for love, for I've given up the hope of that, but something I can hold on to.

Dreaming

Last night I had a dream of me talking to a guy I know and he stopped and asked me "what is it that you want?" Without hesitation I replied passionately "stability. That's all I want. Someone to rely on." He looked at me in a way that he never would and I wish dreams didn't try to satisfy my desires with happy endings when they can't happen. Of all people, he wouldn't fall for me.
In the real world, we've talked and I know what to expect from this situation. In a way we are exclusively each other's toy. I have to look at it this way because I can't afford to look at him as a potential. He's told me he isn't looking for anything more than what we have at the moment, which is merely play, and I am making myself believe that this is something I want also. I can want and yearn for something all I want but that won't change anything for me except being without the company he provides me. I can't allow my heart to take over. I've told him that in a way I'm using him so that I don't feel lonely, and that I'm "just happy I know what to expect. If I get hurt in this situation it'll be my own damn fault because we've discussed it before." It's my own fault for being too emotional and wishing for the impossible. I've been slowly turning off all the circuts that wire to my heart. I kinda feel sorry for the next man to fall for me, he'll have to go through so much to find the girl that just wants her walls broken down and held.
I'm so damaged it's a wonder that anyone will want me after I'm done destroying what's left of myself. It's long past time for me to be an Ice Queen.