Dreaming

Last night I had a dream of me talking to a guy I know and he stopped and asked me "what is it that you want?" Without hesitation I replied passionately "stability. That's all I want. Someone to rely on." He looked at me in a way that he never would and I wish dreams didn't try to satisfy my desires with happy endings when they can't happen. Of all people, he wouldn't fall for me.
In the real world, we've talked and I know what to expect from this situation. In a way we are exclusively each other's toy. I have to look at it this way because I can't afford to look at him as a potential. He's told me he isn't looking for anything more than what we have at the moment, which is merely play, and I am making myself believe that this is something I want also. I can want and yearn for something all I want but that won't change anything for me except being without the company he provides me. I can't allow my heart to take over. I've told him that in a way I'm using him so that I don't feel lonely, and that I'm "just happy I know what to expect. If I get hurt in this situation it'll be my own damn fault because we've discussed it before." It's my own fault for being too emotional and wishing for the impossible. I've been slowly turning off all the circuts that wire to my heart. I kinda feel sorry for the next man to fall for me, he'll have to go through so much to find the girl that just wants her walls broken down and held.
I'm so damaged it's a wonder that anyone will want me after I'm done destroying what's left of myself. It's long past time for me to be an Ice Queen.