Clipped wings

I just want to take a moment to talk about something that weighs on me every day, something that in some way always has; freedom. Im not talking about my basic right as an American but my personal freedoms every day. It may seem... invalid to most but to me it's been like a birdcage. Let's build a scene. There is a bird, that's had it's wings clipped very early on in its life and was put in a cage where it's lived most of it's life. It can do whatever it wants in that cage but it wants to be like other birds, flying, singing, living, outside of the cage. But it can't because of it's impairment. The problem was thought to be something with the cage so a different one was bought and the bird put into that one. So the issue was never solved. Since the bird acts like other birds it is assumed that it's okay but dont bother really paying attention to the bird nor it's changed song that was so bright at one time. The bird even if it wasnt in the cage wouldnt be able to fly but it still wishes that it could at least try.

People who have had freedom tell me it's not all that great. To do whatever whenever, to be young and dumb. But how would i know when I've never had the chance? I would love to make spontaneous plans with my friends, i would love to be able to stay out late and sleep in till whenever, make a bad decision and have to live with it the next day at work. It's not the big party life i crave but the little things im missing out on. The interactions i will never have. The moments i will never get to experience. I feel like im missing out on living. My heart grows heavy when i have to say "sorry guys i cant" All. The. Time.
I just want to enjoy being irresponsible sometimes.... not all the time just occasionally but i cant... i cant and it hurts.
Im sorry, though it's stupid, this is something i feel like just needed to get off my shoulders. It has started pushing me into the swamp that i call my foundation.

Im more beautiful in the dark. When you cant see the black oozing from my soul and eyes. Nor can you see the rott in my chest.

Summer Snow

Love, is such a complicated emotion. I think because there are so many levels of it. There's "i love my mom", "i love my child", "i love my friends", "i love my bestfriend", "i love my boy/girlfriend", etc. In all of those every single relationship and level of love is different. There's unconditional love, earned love, helpless love, along with love that sometimes stirs up mixed emotions. There are people that i love that i wont talk to for their own good. There are people i love that i dont talk to enough because we've grown apart through the years, but i still love them. There are people that I've loved intimately that i love more as a friend. There are people i never thought i could love, but do now.
Love isn't one thing. It's flowers blooming in the spring, but sometimes it's the cold wind at your back in autumn. It's the snow falling in the winter, yet the hot summer rays on your face. Every time you love someone, you grow. It might not always be the way you wanted, but it will help you learn about yourself. It will teach you what you need. It will tell you so much.
When I was younger i always though that love was black and white, but it's obviously millions of shades of gray. No one person can tell you what love is, but everyone can tell you what it isn't. However, when I say "I love you" i do mean it, just maybe not the same way you do.
Sin

Gray

My depression has made itself known again. It's weird, like fire licking at my insides. It caresses my body into numbness and ultimately sadness. I don't want to feel like this, especially with a child and not being able to turn everything away when i need a few days to even out. It's so inconvenient, this madness.
I feel like I'm missing out on being young and dumb, I feel like I've always missed out on it. So when people go out on Friday or Saturday nights I'm rather envious. It's mainly a desire to not have so many responsibilities, but what can I do?

In conclusion, if you want to be bored, here I am. I'll hold you back and make you leave before you're ready..... Eventually, I will make you wonder why you liked me in the first place.