Letter

Im sorry for all the down and depressing stuff that I've seem to be posting lately when I do post but when I'm down is when I truely wish to write. So here is something that I have kept pent up inside for too long. A letter to someone that is now a stranger. So, here it goes.

I write these words knowing well that they may never reach you. However, for the sake of my sanity I've at least got to get it out of my head. The words I've held in for so long that spring to life when I see your face.
You pass me like a stranger nowadays. It's to be expected for how aweful I've been to you. I hope you are doing well. I hope that you've had a good summer and that your classes aren't too stressful this semester. I hope your family is as animated as ever. You look like you've been doing well anyway. What im trying to say is, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what a horrible person I am. I've been sorry since this whole thing happened. I never wanted things to end up the way they did. I've regretted many decisions I've made this year. I hope that you can forgive me for the aweful way I treated you. I understand if you hate me and can't take any of my words seriously. But, I dont regret the time we spent together. It was a lot of fun while it lasted. I do regret the final month of our complicated friendship. Around that time I didn't know how to tell you that I'd been forced into a relationship that I didn't want to be in, and I ended up avoiding you. I made you come to question what you had done wrong, but you hadn't done anything wrong. I was the one in the wrong because I knew I was going to hurt you and I didn't want that to happen to such a nice guy. In the end it still happened and the way it happened made you think less of me as a person. I'm sure that you've built a wall between what was and what is now. But the sorrow I've felt because of that still fills me enough to spill out of my eyes on occasions, like today. I miss the times we spent together in your car or in your room just talking about nothing. However, I know that they are memories that you'd rather not be reminded of.
I don't think I ever told you that I suffer from depression,  but its something that I've stuggled with since middle school. Not many people know, I don't even think my doctor knows. Let me tell you that it is an ugly disease that you put upon yourself over and over again. You punish yourself for the slightest mistakes and bring yourself into a hole of dispair. I truely hate myself. In the mirror I see something far from this human form. Its jagged teeth leave invisible scars. Its sharp tongue rips at my self esteem. I feel like misery is the one thing I spread from my fingertips. 
I guess the best way to describe my sort of depression is that on a daily basis I fight within myself. Take a leap into my head and here is what you would get: I beat myself up for every mistake I've made, what I could have said but didn't,  what I could have done differently, what I could have done to make this person happy, how I should have reacted, what I wish I could take back, what I want to fix. The list is endless and it pounds in my head as fast as a heartbeat, and it won't stop attacking. It's worse at night when you feel utterly alone and the words attack you: useless, worthless, disgusting, pointless existence,  hopeless girl, ugly hearted thing, you can't do anything right, inadequate,  you are going to be stuck where you are, you are letting everyone down around you, can't you see that there's no room for you here? You'd be better off gone, no one would miss you if you disappeared, an unappreciative girl like you. You dont deserve happiness! Look at all the trouble you've caused! Why don't you just stop breathing? Die already!......

A depressed persons mind is an ugly place. The will to survive, to keep going, is nonexistent. Loneliness consumes your mind and your own words are your worst enemy. Or are we just being dramatic?
Self loathing is what eats me alive. If anything, I'm glad you don't have to deal with it. I can't stand myself, so the fact that you wanted to get to know me was enough. So, thank you, for giving me a chance. I hope that your life is full of the happiness I couldn't give to you. I hope you are successful in everything you put your mind to. I hope that you are smiling more often. Every time you pass by, I hope you are better off. Surely I would have only held you back.

If these words never reach you, that's okay. I just hope that you are happy. I wish nothing but the best for you.
Sincerely, 
The Person You Use to Know