Idiot

I really can't believe how much of an idiot you are. You make me so mad I want to cry. Inviting my best friend but not me? That's just.... stupid. You are so stupid.
Do you still not realize I'd drop everything and run to you if you'd let me?! Fuck... I really feel betrayed. Just... stop making me feel.

Can't sleep

I can't sleep tonight. Not only is my mind racing, I just got sick. I puked nothing but saliva :( dry heaves are the worst. So what's on my mind right now is this pregnancy. I'm worried I won't be a good mother. I'm worried that the child will turn out like me, with depression. I wish that on no one. I don't want anyone to suffer in the silence as I do. Keeping everything pent up for the sake of not burdening your friends. Telling them you are fine, when you aren't and cry in the next room. Yet they'll never know. I want my child to be happy. Not spoiled but humble. To have manners, be kind, smile always, be a good student, be more than I ever could be.
I never imagined that I would be going this alone. I imagined something produced out of love, not this mess I've made. But I already love this little one. I'm so sorry that most of the nights I've spent crying. I just wish things could be different. But he doesn't love me, he doesn't even have feelings for me, from what I can tell. That hurts because I never wanted my little one to grow up in a broken home. What I wanted shattered and I'm trying to pick up the jagged pieces frantically and alone. 
So alone I will bear the burden of my overwhelming sadness. No one deserves to carry something that heavy of someone else's baggage. I'm so tired, but I will force a smile on my face. One step at a time. Get over it... get over it...please God...help me.

I'm fine. Help me. Really. I'm fine. I'm not okay. I'm fine. I don't want to be alone. Don't worry about it. I don't want to drag you down. Just be happy. I want you to be happy even if it hurts me. Yeah. Please don't leave. Yeah. I'm sorry. Okay. Is this worth the pain? Nothing. I hope so.
SinsCatastrophe

Fairy Tales

When I was little, I use to believe that romance was something that happened easily and naturally. That it was sonething that swept you away and left you breathless and blissful. That it was two people enjoying one another, no matter what they were doing. That there was a prince for every princess. Maybe it was my childish ignorance, or too many disney movies. As I've grown up it's become all to clear that that kind of love seen in the movies isn't real. I've been slowly proven over and over that love isn't going to fall from the sky. It hurts and it's painful. It's not blissful and, for me, it hasn't been happy. There is a shadow over everything that comes with love, whether that be past experiences or new mistakes, everything is held against you. Some easily fixable things are left untouched, while things that should be left alone are constantly brought back to the situation. Over and over.
But the reality is, fairy tales aren't real. Happy endings are only in the movies. Dreams of anything like this are a waste of time.
Love isn't happy. It's torture.

Time

Only time can tell what will become of this thing we have, or lack thereof. I'm really unsure of the whole situation. I'm trying to prepare myself for the day you say that it won't work and you found someone better, but I couldn't ever prepare myself enough. Not under these circumstances.
I just want to hold your hand. I just want to hold you in general, play with your hair, kiss you when I want to... but I dont want to push you away farther than I already have. If I make a move, surely this will crumble to dust. You'll slip through my fingers as water does. I just can't bring myself to be brave and ask for your kiss. The most I can bring myself to do is try to hold your hand, but most of the time I feel rejected and return my hands to a fidgety position, and act like it wasn't anything.
I don't feel pretty. Especially when I really try, and do my make up. When I actually spend time going through my clothes and trying to find something eye catching or at least good looking, it goes without a second glance it seems. I'm slowly becoming more self conscious. You are so attractive, you could have anyone you want. I know there are people better for you than me, but I would do anything for you. However, if you are happy... that all that matters. I would take all the sadness and pain in the world to see that. Because I don't really think about my happiness. I care about others way too much for that.
I miss you. All the time. But I can't say that. But I really hope that we can figure this out.
SinsCatastrophe
I'll fight for you, I'll fight for me
And everything that we could be
All I want to hear you say
Is that I make you feel the same