Jealous

It sucks that I can see a picture and immediately get jealous. Not because of the people but simply because they are having fun and i feel like im left out. I dont want to be a responsible adult....

Tuesday

Tuesday, October 6th, is my court date with the man... no im sorry not a man, the thing, that donated his DNA to make my child to prove to him that he is, in fact, the father. The closer the date gets the more angry and nervous I become. Words that I will probably never say scream in my head. But I'm so afraid that one day this person that so adamantly denied the existance of my little boy will try to come into his life. If that does happen i will be a very angry woman, which it probably will. The worst part is, he probably thought he would get away with knocking me up without any consequences. Well, you piece of shit, I'm going to be in your life for the next 25 years, taking your money. Enjoy your car while you can. You pushed me past my breaking point. Which, quite frankly, is hard to do and I will make your life the hell it deserves without really having to do a damn thing. Whatever it was that I saw in you was an obvious illusion because you are slime! But as much as I despise your existence, I can't hate you completely because you gave me something that has brought me such joy. My son.

Insecurity

These are just a few things that run through my mind as i slowly tear myself apart with my own insecurities. I can only bury the words, but they still scream at me from their graves.

Might be strange

This post might be a little weird but i want to point out things I like, stuff that just makes me smile, with another person. Things that haven't happened in a long time.
I like having my hair played with. This isn't surprising but my hair is long for a reason. I like it to be touched and "combed" with fingers or braided or just a head massage. It sends tingles to my toes and it's very relaxing. I like being held from behind or hugged (kisses on the neck in this kind of position are a huuuuuge turn on). Just a hug from behind makes me smile, especially if I'm actually cooking or cleaning. For some reason it makes me feel.... wifely? I like my forehead being kissed. It's so innocent but it can show so much love behind it. If you get a forehead kiss from me, know that i freaking adore you. I like getting flowers. It's stupid and over done for most girls but it's just a classic romantic gesture to me. I like having someone sit me down and insist on teaching me something they are passionate about or having me learn a game of theirs. I fall in love with the fire they have inside them. I like someone going along with something that i say (like dumb and just wrong) instead of making fun of me. For example me calling Ice Cube, Ice T and you laugh and make a joke about other names. It makes me feel less like an idiot and keeps the fun going instead of making me mad. I like being included, or at least just knowing that you were thinking of me while planning something. I like kisses that involve hands keeping you still. Example, go in for a kiss and put hands through hair on either side lightly grabbing the head and holding you there. I'd kill for a kiss like that right now. I like sweet whispers in the ear that make shivers go down your spine because of their breath.
Other things i like to do: tell them how  handsome/beautiful they are to me. Stroking their bone structure (i have a thing for certain ones like the jaw line and clavicles it's weird i know shhh). I like playing with their hair/massaging their head and neck. I like having simple nights in. I like having intellectual conversations. I like being close to people and not feeling awkward in silence.
These are just a few things that I like.

Transform

Im going to transform myself into what I should have always been. I will no longer get myself into harmful situations where I give myself to someone just to have them hurt me. If a guy wants me, they can struggle with the idea of making me their girlfriend first. No more will I worry about being left behind. I have to be strong and not only for myself anymore. It's my responsibility to be the best I can and also choose the best of the best for myself. Smoke and mirrors just aren't for me. There's still hope for me and love to get along, just right now is not the time. Soon my time won't even be my own, and my heart will be consumed by one little person. I will change, and it will better me. I just have to have the courage to be patient.

Tried

I tried.... I tried and it was fun for an hour then....... then it was like every other fucking time. I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't want to get so depressed that I make up an excuse to leave. And the worst part is.... no one noticed i left. Truely I'm unimportant. There's no one I can rely on.

Bop

I want to make out reaaaaaaalllllllll bad

Love

Love. My kind of love. Let me try to explain it to you. I feel like it kind of needs explaining since it became something so complicated.
My love is passionate. It's something I show openly. If I love you, you'll know it. I don't hide my feelings well. If I love you, you'll get many hugs, probably more than is socially acceptable, and simple touches, like running my fingers through your hair. I'll kiss your forehead because I dont think kisses through the lips mean as much anymore. However, when we do kiss, I'll put my hand on your face, out of a reaction and wanting that feeling of your lips on mine to stay. My love is lying in silence enjoying your company or watching you play video games. That's honestly fun for me, I like watching you talk about and do things you are passionate about. I like seeing your eyes light up when you talk about something you are genuinely interested in. Sitting and talking is a lot more intimate to me than going out and doing stuff all the time... or rather it's spending time together.
My love is quiet though. It goes unnoticed often. This is because if I love you, I don't want to run you off, so I keep to myself. It's wanting to text you, but stopping myself so I don't seem too needy. It's not saying "I love you" because I'm scared of not hearing it back, or not wanting to push my feelings on you when you don't feel the same. It's wanting to hold your hand but not doing so because I don't want to be intrusive. It's not saying that I'm disappointed when you're leaving to go do something else when I haven't talked to you much or seen you in a while. It's not telling you I wish that I could see you more than maybe 3 hours a week.
My kind of love is probably harmful. Not to others, but to myself. This is because at night, while I'm lying here thinking about everything, I do nothing but wonder. I wonder if I'm just another face that you feel obligated to see or if I'm important to you as well. I don't know if anything that I'm doing is enough for anyone else to love me too. My love... is it pointless?

Oh

Is it sad that I get excited over holding your hand? Because I really enjoy your company, Link.

Depression

You know you have it when you are in a house full of people but still feel all alone. My heart is breaking.

Wishful

Love has never been a positive thing for me. Every time I've loved someone only pain has seemed to follow. So when you tell me you love me it comes as bittersweet words. It's something I truely long for but it's something I feel will always escape me. I am too näive to know when I am being lied to because I hope that someday someone can love me the way that I am. Until then, I will have many nights where I wait for you, like tonight, only for you to never come. I don't like pretending I'm strong. Sometimes I want to cry, I want to have a hero that can save me from myself. Maybe one day I will be enough.

Sorry

Im sorry I'm a failure. I'm sorry I'm not perfect. I'm sorry I cant be what you want me to be. I'm sorry I'm an embarrassment. I'm sorry I was becoming happy. I'll go back to my hole. I'll stop trying to reach such an impossible goal. Take my tears and be satisfied once more. Im done trying. I'm finished.

Shh

How do you get the demons in your head to stop talking? I would really like to know. They feed on my worries until I'm broken and then make me feel like I shouldn't be here. I don't like this feeling. My heart is so weak. Im such a weak person and I hate it. I reach out to grab the things I want in my life but quickly withdrawal my hand because I'm scared it will end up hurting me. Oh, how I wish to fearlessly grab hold of those things i hold dear without emptiness. I want to hold them close and adore them. I hate trembling in this shattered silence. One thing I'm glad for is you've never seen me cry. I'd like to keep it that way. I dont want to be a burden. Why do I allow myself to fall for imperfections? I fall so much harder because then I love the whole instead of thr pieces and it's that much harder to keep at a distance.
I need to sleep...

Holding back

Im frightened by my feelings for you. Im scared to love you. I feel myself withdrawing somewhat emotionally at least a little bit because I can't afford another heart break. Im so uncertain with everything. I second guess my actions, i overthink simple gestures, i can't stop myself from believing that I'm getting nothing but pretty lies again. I tell you "I love you" and it's not a lie but it's not the full truth either because I'm terrified of falling in love with you. I don't want to be left behind, i want something i can look forward to for a long time. Since I'm going to be a mother soon it makes it all the more difficult because I dont want to force you into a relationship with the both of us. My heart heaves with worry and doubt. Don't play with me and leave... please. Ive been mesmerized by you for a long time and I would hate to be disappointed and hurt. Im nothing special but you make me feel spectacular when you look at me, my heart flutters just thinking of you, and your smile melts me. However my mind reminds me of the times I let my feelings win and how it has destroyed me, then I take the love that wants to grow and throw it away and that makes me sad.
I doubt myself, i doubt that i deserve something like love, i doubt that i am pretty, i doubt that im interesting, i doubt that I'm really welcome in my own group of friends. Im really messed up and Im just able to hold it together because I dont want to been seen as a emotional person. But my armor is paper thin, i can blame it on hormones for now... how i wish I could tell you that im scared to fall in love with you, but it will never leave my lips.
Sin

All of time

I'm going to love you for all of time. My heart has never faltered since falling in love with you. You will never have to wonder if you are loved because I love you so much it hurts and aches. I still cry because I love you so much. I fell in love with all of you and each day it still grows, I don't think it will ever stop. How I wish you weren't as far away as the night's sky. No one will ever love you as much as I do. My head is filled with you, as is my heart.These are feelings I will never, ever be able to cast away.
Darling, I love you... always.

Song

I have a song stuck in my head :) it's so pretty

Let Me Be Your Wings

Let me be your wings
Let me be your only love
Let me take you far beyond the stars

Let me be your wings
Let me lift you high above
Everything we're dreaming of will soon be ours.

Anything that you desire,
anything at all.
Everyday I'll take you higher
and I'll never let you fall.

Let me be your wings
Leave behind the world you know
for another world of wonderous things.
We'll see the universe and dance on Saturns's rings.
Fly with me and I will be your wings.

Anything that you desire,
anything at all.
Everyday I'll take you higher
and I'll never let you fall.

Let me be your wings
(You will be my only love)
Get ready for a world of wonderous things
(Wonderous things are sure to happen)
We'll see… 

Spring Break

Starting either tomorrow night or Saturday early in the morning I will be on spring break!!!! I will be going to florida to see my mom and possibly going to disney world for my birthday! Im sooooo excited! Im sure a lot of the trip will be down time but I hope to post a lot of pictures to my Instagram: cupcakeredvelvet. Hoping to steal some hearts while I'm down there ;)
Sin

I lied

I'm sorry, I lied to you. I can't keep my emotions separated from my physical activities, and for that I'm sorry. I'm no different from any other woman that you've probably been with. I have idiotic thoughts that wonder things about you that you probably don't even think about. I'm wondering if I should end it here and just go on, by myself. If I didn't like you, even a little bit, I wouldn't have put myself into this situation. Parts of me wished that I would have let things be. So now I will refuse to kiss you, though I think about doing so often. I will refuse to touch you in passing because my touch is nothing special and my emotions are way too fragile to continue with fake affection. I don't want to be thrown away... so I will throw you away first. I don't know how many times I can stand to hear you call me baby before I just say "but I'm not your baby. I never have been."
As soon as I'm gone you'll have my replacement ready anyway. I can't do temporary, though I thought I could. So for that I'm sorry, even though you won't care either way and I overthink everything.
Soon, I need to throw you out of my personal life and put you back into the place of indifference inside my head. One or two more times... and then secretly I will be saying goodbye, comrade.

" "

Prince's only live in fairytales, and I'm no princess. So tell me why I dream so vividly about things that will never happen?
Sin

Proof

I need to learn to tell myself the truth better, that way i never get disappointed or set my hopes too high just to see them crash down. My body is heavy once again. "How long are we going to keep this going?...I should drop off closer to when the time comes." I'm surprised I was able to keep a sort of straight face as he told me this. I knew it was coming, but I fooled myself into believing maybe it wouldn't, again. That maybe something about me would be special enough to make them feel more than what I knew was there.  I'm just an idiot though. I always reach out to the ones that don't want me, always hoping that I could somehow be something that is desirable. However, I should know that collectables aren't meant to be enjoyed. They are mearly to be displayed. I put my own mind in ruins as I continue to break myself apart by desiring that which is not meant to be mine.

Reality bend

Like most dreams you are the main character but this one was rather interesting. It started off as a bunch of people playing a game. The objective was survival. I was hiding in a room when someone burst in. At first he didnt think I was playing but I "hit"his stomach he smiled and replied "you are playing! Pow pow! Your dead." Aparently warrior wasnt going to win in a game with finger guns. So I fell to the ground like a game of "no bones" and he looked at me weird looted me and went on his way. Many people looked at my body and commented that I didnt have to stay dead in such a manner but I stayed silent and they eventually went away. Upon starting the next game I went with magic class and somehow turned into sailor mars (at least the outfit). I remember going up against a girl acting the same exact character as me but the game ended before the fight concluded. I met up with my sister and we roamed around the rather large neighborhood deciding it'd be best to go home soon since it was getting late. Soon chaos started happening and buildings were on fire. My sister and I got separated somehow and by the time I found her she'd changed into something similar looking to a husk from mass effect but she kept insisting we fuse together. I ran away, not knowing how to save her, I ran.
After a couple months of not returning to the spot my sister was, I'd done a lot of research and met up with another person like me. He just wanted to know what the hell was going on. By this time I knew and wanted to show him so i took him to the place my sister was pretty much haunting. I told him to keep hidden and stepped into the room (it looked like a conference room with a wall of windows on one side and a projector screen). As my sister appeared in her purpleish almost dead biotic way she asked me if i was ready to finally fuse. I said I was and this apparently startled my hiding comrade as he reviled his location and starting running towards me, it was too late though. I held my arms open wide to my sister and just as we were about to embrace and her purple haze surrounded me i broke the chain on my neck. The tags that were attached to it flung to my sister like a magnet upon being released and she stopped. There was a hazy look in her eyes as I stepped away and she started hugging herself lovingly.
"To think it was the tags the entire time" I said. "They are the key to survival" "Wait what do you mean?" My companion asked but all I could do was smile as a bright light shined on me and I started to fade away. "You'll see!"
I took the headset off that had the alternate reality in it. I was in a place like a library. I stood and went to the receptionist. "Congratulations, you made it!" She said happily.
The point of the game was to present a person that you care deeply about in a way that you had to save them from themselves. You just had to find the key (which was a necklace like dog tags you always have on you in the game) there are subtle clues throughout the game pointing to the tags being the key). If one did not save them (aka they just killed them) the whole process would start over and the person would think they just had a weird dream. It was in an effort to find a better way to do things rather than kill, to make the world a better place.
My real sister then walked up to me welcomed me home and we went out for ice cream. On the way out, I passed by a boy taking off his head gear and we smiled at each other
"See you later comrade"

Just don't want to forget this dream :)

Selfishness

The time I spend in your company is the time I use to pretend someone actually cares about me romantically. I pretend we are in love, I prentend you miss me. I pretend many things in my head and make believe a relationship that will never be. In all actuality the time we spend together is nothing more than two people using one another for pleasure. Whether I'm there or not, that doesn't really matter to you, but I pretend it does so that I'm not so alone. You are using me for just as you said you would, and I'm using you until you cannot stand to look at me anymore. As my stomach swells, I get more and more nervous you won't want me the same, and you'll just end up dropping me like nothing. But at the same time it would force me into a reality where I need to relearn to be on my own.
I force myself to see you only once or twice a week, that's all I can truely muster.
But as I sit here and think about it, I wonder if I use you for a pretend life or if I use you for the euphoric feeling of being held. The way you speak to me in the midst of things. You tell me you love something that I do, honey, prepare for a lot to come because I only aim to please. Oh, but how I wish you wouldn't call me "baby" when we touch, my brain only makes things more complicated. At least, for now, I have something to rely on. As long as my sex drive is active, I know I can count on you to help me. However, I wish I could count on stability rather than misplaced dreams.
Not a cry for love, for I've given up the hope of that, but something I can hold on to.

Dreaming

Last night I had a dream of me talking to a guy I know and he stopped and asked me "what is it that you want?" Without hesitation I replied passionately "stability. That's all I want. Someone to rely on." He looked at me in a way that he never would and I wish dreams didn't try to satisfy my desires with happy endings when they can't happen. Of all people, he wouldn't fall for me.
In the real world, we've talked and I know what to expect from this situation. In a way we are exclusively each other's toy. I have to look at it this way because I can't afford to look at him as a potential. He's told me he isn't looking for anything more than what we have at the moment, which is merely play, and I am making myself believe that this is something I want also. I can want and yearn for something all I want but that won't change anything for me except being without the company he provides me. I can't allow my heart to take over. I've told him that in a way I'm using him so that I don't feel lonely, and that I'm "just happy I know what to expect. If I get hurt in this situation it'll be my own damn fault because we've discussed it before." It's my own fault for being too emotional and wishing for the impossible. I've been slowly turning off all the circuts that wire to my heart. I kinda feel sorry for the next man to fall for me, he'll have to go through so much to find the girl that just wants her walls broken down and held.
I'm so damaged it's a wonder that anyone will want me after I'm done destroying what's left of myself. It's long past time for me to be an Ice Queen.

Thoughts

My thoughts just wont stop racing. So i do the only thing I know how to, to keep my mind temporarily at bay. It always works but at the same time it makes ny internal wounds that much deeper. Every time I give in I'm that much farther from something real and a part of me really doesn't care. But the other part cries for me to stop and heal. But i won't. I won't heal myself. I always make it worse but if theres that slight time that I forget, I will keep doing it. Probably more often than I should. It's going to turn into addiction, something to help me forget my issues and pain. It's not a drug or alcohol or anything that'll physically hurt me. No, I have to keep destroying my emotional side til there's nothing left.
Make me forget I feel. Keep piling on the pain. It will work. I will forget.

Don't go

No. Don't go. You aren't allowed to leave. Not like this. You idiot! Don't you understand how much pain you've put us through? Put me through? You idiot... I'm so scared. Terrified. There's nothing I want more right now than to be by your bedside. Wake up. Please, come back to us. Come back to m- ..... come back. You are worth it. Damnit.

Why did you have to break our promise?
I'm so sorry.

Off

Turn it off. You'll only get hurt if you don't, so turn your feelings off. See? Doesn't that feel better?" I tell myself as a slight euphoria erupts through my body then turns into an ache in my chest. "Try again. Turn it off. It'll be fine. Love doesn't want you anyway. It'll be okay. Numb. Don't feel, don't long, just be a passenger. Heart, just stop feeling. You can stop hurting if you turn it off." Throb. This one is less intense. "Soon nothing will hurt you because you won't remember what those things are. You won't get disappointed by those you trust anymore. You won't be sad when someone cancels plans on you. You won't need anyone. Primal urges, that's all you need to carry you. Not love, not feelings, not dreams, not hope, not desire, not....anything. Forget. Forget. Forget..."

Dark

Do you ever have nights where your whole body aches? Not because of physical means like working out, but emotionally... the whole body pulses with a dull pain? Nights where you can't sleep and think about all the bad things? Have tears that just fall and you don't even care to wipe them away? I do. I ache. I lay here and I cry without much reason.
I wish that I didn't feel. That it was something you could just turn off. Everything feels heavy, especially my heart. I'm so tired yet I cannot rest. Darkness swells like a knawing cancer, it's constantly eating me inside. No one can see the damage so no one suspects there's anything wrong. Good, let the masses be blissful in their own worlds. I would wish this kind of torture on no one.
Heart how much more pain do you need to give up? How much more can I take?
I'm ready to stop. Take it away.

Annger and seething

I went to bed angry last night and woke up about in the same mood. So here's and explicit language warning being that I'm still fuming.

I don't know what goes through your stupid brain but ignoring me is not getting you anywhere fast! In fact it's leading to me just showing up unannounced to have this talk we were suppose to have like a month ago. Look I understand you don't like me, you make it pretty fucking obvious and I couldn't give two shits about that anymore. But I want you to man the fuck up, grow some testicles, be an adult and fucking talk to me. It's not that difficult. You know what is difficult? You! You jack hole! I'm not a mind reader mother fucker. You suck royally at communication and I'm sick and tired of waiting on your ass. You have no sense of responsibility. So if you wont talk to me you are going to put me and my family in a position to give you someone to talk to! It'll be legal too.
I'm so upset at how selfish you are. I understand it's a lot to take in, but, shit, you don't have to live with it til August!!! There's no excuse for your lack of communication other than simply wanting to piss me off. Well you piece of shit it worked and I'm not going to be nice to you anymore.
Congratulations asshole I'm officially going to be a bitch to you now

Dependent

I'm way too dependent on men. That's my problem and that's why I let myself get hurt so easy. I need to learn to separate myseld from my desires. Make the numbness come back. Depend on myself... never let myself believe that I can change someone's mind into seeing me as a person rather than an object.
I'm tired. I'm sad. Take away these meaningless feelings. Replace them with indifference. I don't want to need anyone.

Sunsets

You remind me of a sunset darling. All you can see is darkness coming. However i see you for what you really are. Beautiful.

Thoughts

I wonder what it is to be stable anymore. I've been there comfortably before and then something just goes wrong and I'm back in turmoil. I'm trying to look at things from a logical point of view rather than my strained emotions. It's more difficult to push them out of the way than you would think.
I've distanced myself quite a bit from him but I doubt he's noticed. I talk frivolous things with him, not really getting more than surface value of what I'm really feeling. As much as I say I'm done with heart break I can't control that. It sucks, especially dealing with hormones and their hell on my body for the next 8ish months.
There are nights where I would do anything to just be held, a tender kiss, a simple night enjoying it with someone else. Then there are nights I'm happy I'm alone. Then there are nights I am scared, angry, sad, confused, lusty, worried, sick, or days where I'm just kind of... numb. At the moment I would kill to makeout right now (haha).
I just crave that which I don't deserve.