Idiot

I really can't believe how much of an idiot you are. You make me so mad I want to cry. Inviting my best friend but not me? That's just.... stupid. You are so stupid.
Do you still not realize I'd drop everything and run to you if you'd let me?! Fuck... I really feel betrayed. Just... stop making me feel.

Can't sleep

I can't sleep tonight. Not only is my mind racing, I just got sick. I puked nothing but saliva :( dry heaves are the worst. So what's on my mind right now is this pregnancy. I'm worried I won't be a good mother. I'm worried that the child will turn out like me, with depression. I wish that on no one. I don't want anyone to suffer in the silence as I do. Keeping everything pent up for the sake of not burdening your friends. Telling them you are fine, when you aren't and cry in the next room. Yet they'll never know. I want my child to be happy. Not spoiled but humble. To have manners, be kind, smile always, be a good student, be more than I ever could be.
I never imagined that I would be going this alone. I imagined something produced out of love, not this mess I've made. But I already love this little one. I'm so sorry that most of the nights I've spent crying. I just wish things could be different. But he doesn't love me, he doesn't even have feelings for me, from what I can tell. That hurts because I never wanted my little one to grow up in a broken home. What I wanted shattered and I'm trying to pick up the jagged pieces frantically and alone. 
So alone I will bear the burden of my overwhelming sadness. No one deserves to carry something that heavy of someone else's baggage. I'm so tired, but I will force a smile on my face. One step at a time. Get over it... get over it...please God...help me.

I'm fine. Help me. Really. I'm fine. I'm not okay. I'm fine. I don't want to be alone. Don't worry about it. I don't want to drag you down. Just be happy. I want you to be happy even if it hurts me. Yeah. Please don't leave. Yeah. I'm sorry. Okay. Is this worth the pain? Nothing. I hope so.
SinsCatastrophe

Fairy Tales

When I was little, I use to believe that romance was something that happened easily and naturally. That it was sonething that swept you away and left you breathless and blissful. That it was two people enjoying one another, no matter what they were doing. That there was a prince for every princess. Maybe it was my childish ignorance, or too many disney movies. As I've grown up it's become all to clear that that kind of love seen in the movies isn't real. I've been slowly proven over and over that love isn't going to fall from the sky. It hurts and it's painful. It's not blissful and, for me, it hasn't been happy. There is a shadow over everything that comes with love, whether that be past experiences or new mistakes, everything is held against you. Some easily fixable things are left untouched, while things that should be left alone are constantly brought back to the situation. Over and over.
But the reality is, fairy tales aren't real. Happy endings are only in the movies. Dreams of anything like this are a waste of time.
Love isn't happy. It's torture.

Time

Only time can tell what will become of this thing we have, or lack thereof. I'm really unsure of the whole situation. I'm trying to prepare myself for the day you say that it won't work and you found someone better, but I couldn't ever prepare myself enough. Not under these circumstances.
I just want to hold your hand. I just want to hold you in general, play with your hair, kiss you when I want to... but I dont want to push you away farther than I already have. If I make a move, surely this will crumble to dust. You'll slip through my fingers as water does. I just can't bring myself to be brave and ask for your kiss. The most I can bring myself to do is try to hold your hand, but most of the time I feel rejected and return my hands to a fidgety position, and act like it wasn't anything.
I don't feel pretty. Especially when I really try, and do my make up. When I actually spend time going through my clothes and trying to find something eye catching or at least good looking, it goes without a second glance it seems. I'm slowly becoming more self conscious. You are so attractive, you could have anyone you want. I know there are people better for you than me, but I would do anything for you. However, if you are happy... that all that matters. I would take all the sadness and pain in the world to see that. Because I don't really think about my happiness. I care about others way too much for that.
I miss you. All the time. But I can't say that. But I really hope that we can figure this out.
SinsCatastrophe
I'll fight for you, I'll fight for me
And everything that we could be
All I want to hear you say
Is that I make you feel the same

Curveball

Well that was unexpected and hurt just as much as you'd imagine. I'm disappointed in the way this turned out.. I'm disappointed that being up front and honest was a bad thing this time around. I thought that if there were issues you would've been vocal about them. This could've been a alot different. However, the lack of communication skills show that it could never work
Proving yourself right is painful sometimes. Told you someone like you couldn't be with someone like me.

I forgot

I forgot... I forgot how painful love can be. I remember now... I remember and I want to forget again. Why do I always fall for the kind ones that don't know how to tell me like it is? I let them lead me on. I know that they don't feel the same but for the sake of fleeting happiness I let them walk all over me. My heart hurts. My body is sore. I wish I didn't care so damn much!
I'm such a heavy burden to carry. I know that, and I don't want to weigh anyone down. The darkest voice inside of me is talking again. Telling me that... You will never find it. The love you crave doesn't exist. Pain is all you will ever have, girl. Learn your lesson, swallow this pill... You will die alone. The happiness you seek is nothing more than an illusion.
Why do I fall for the wrong ones? Why do I want those that don't want me back? What's wrong with me? What's wrong...with me? Is it because I depend on others too much? Is it because I'm emotional? Is it because I'm repulsive? Is it because I'm broken? Damaged goods? Is it okay to hide my tears, so that you never see my true sadness? Is it okay for you to never know the depths of my mind? Is it okay?
My aching heart, I'm sorry. Let's forget again... this thing..... Love.

Jitters

11-5
What is this beating in my chest? It's so warm. I'm jittery, my pulse races, and my heart is skipping beats. Every time my phone buzzes I hope it's you. Every time I see you, I'm like a puppy, I cant help but be happy. Butterflies fill me just by thinking about you. I just wanted to be friends but my actions, nor my mind, listened to my wearing heart. They did the exact opposite in fact. How long has it been since I've craved something like this? This overwhelmingly haunting feeling. This melting of the ice on my soul.
How I wish I weren't so afraid to tell him how much I do like him. However, it seems way too soon. I dont want him to run away, so I will keep my mouth shut and hope for the best. Hope no one else comes along and steals him away. However, if it does happen I will at least spare myself thr heartache of rejection.  He knows that I like him, but I doubt he knows the extent of it. I don't even know how it happened, but here I am thinking of him. Wishing he were texting me.
I can't get him out of my head.  I'd forgotten what it's truely like to have a crush. Maybe this is it? But I shall keep my feelings to myself.
He is an amazing person. I hope he lives his dreams and doesn't let anyone or anything hold him back. He has a warrior's spirit.

Title

I, right now, am happy. :)

Need something

I need something happy but i cant be happy.

Drown

I wish I could drown my sorrow. However, the waters are unpredictable. Today the emptiness inside of me swelled and my heart ached as it use to. I hate it. I dont want to feel this anymore this horrible emptiness that I don't know how to fill. It terrifies me because I don't want to be empty, I dont want to need to be fixed. I don't want to cry anymore because of the lack of that something. It's frustrating and it makes me over think.
They say that depression is hereditary. .. if that's true maybe I shouldn't have a family. Save them from this. This nothingness.

Shark gills

I got a drink a while back, a margarita with some blue raspberry syrup and this is what I got. Looks awesome and considering the shark is one of the mysterious animals I like, the drink was perfect!

Letter

Im sorry for all the down and depressing stuff that I've seem to be posting lately when I do post but when I'm down is when I truely wish to write. So here is something that I have kept pent up inside for too long. A letter to someone that is now a stranger. So, here it goes.

I write these words knowing well that they may never reach you. However, for the sake of my sanity I've at least got to get it out of my head. The words I've held in for so long that spring to life when I see your face.
You pass me like a stranger nowadays. It's to be expected for how aweful I've been to you. I hope you are doing well. I hope that you've had a good summer and that your classes aren't too stressful this semester. I hope your family is as animated as ever. You look like you've been doing well anyway. What im trying to say is, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what a horrible person I am. I've been sorry since this whole thing happened. I never wanted things to end up the way they did. I've regretted many decisions I've made this year. I hope that you can forgive me for the aweful way I treated you. I understand if you hate me and can't take any of my words seriously. But, I dont regret the time we spent together. It was a lot of fun while it lasted. I do regret the final month of our complicated friendship. Around that time I didn't know how to tell you that I'd been forced into a relationship that I didn't want to be in, and I ended up avoiding you. I made you come to question what you had done wrong, but you hadn't done anything wrong. I was the one in the wrong because I knew I was going to hurt you and I didn't want that to happen to such a nice guy. In the end it still happened and the way it happened made you think less of me as a person. I'm sure that you've built a wall between what was and what is now. But the sorrow I've felt because of that still fills me enough to spill out of my eyes on occasions, like today. I miss the times we spent together in your car or in your room just talking about nothing. However, I know that they are memories that you'd rather not be reminded of.
I don't think I ever told you that I suffer from depression,  but its something that I've stuggled with since middle school. Not many people know, I don't even think my doctor knows. Let me tell you that it is an ugly disease that you put upon yourself over and over again. You punish yourself for the slightest mistakes and bring yourself into a hole of dispair. I truely hate myself. In the mirror I see something far from this human form. Its jagged teeth leave invisible scars. Its sharp tongue rips at my self esteem. I feel like misery is the one thing I spread from my fingertips. 
I guess the best way to describe my sort of depression is that on a daily basis I fight within myself. Take a leap into my head and here is what you would get: I beat myself up for every mistake I've made, what I could have said but didn't,  what I could have done differently, what I could have done to make this person happy, how I should have reacted, what I wish I could take back, what I want to fix. The list is endless and it pounds in my head as fast as a heartbeat, and it won't stop attacking. It's worse at night when you feel utterly alone and the words attack you: useless, worthless, disgusting, pointless existence,  hopeless girl, ugly hearted thing, you can't do anything right, inadequate,  you are going to be stuck where you are, you are letting everyone down around you, can't you see that there's no room for you here? You'd be better off gone, no one would miss you if you disappeared, an unappreciative girl like you. You dont deserve happiness! Look at all the trouble you've caused! Why don't you just stop breathing? Die already!......

A depressed persons mind is an ugly place. The will to survive, to keep going, is nonexistent. Loneliness consumes your mind and your own words are your worst enemy. Or are we just being dramatic?
Self loathing is what eats me alive. If anything, I'm glad you don't have to deal with it. I can't stand myself, so the fact that you wanted to get to know me was enough. So, thank you, for giving me a chance. I hope that your life is full of the happiness I couldn't give to you. I hope you are successful in everything you put your mind to. I hope that you are smiling more often. Every time you pass by, I hope you are better off. Surely I would have only held you back.

If these words never reach you, that's okay. I just hope that you are happy. I wish nothing but the best for you.
Sincerely, 
The Person You Use to Know

Pictures

Okay so that didnt work but ill post when I can :) here's some pretty pictures

Pictures

Okay so I think im going to try something to get me to post everyday. So im going to take pictures. This was from a few days ago but pretty nonetheless. So enjoy the sunset. The earth is beautiful.

Inside

I hate feeling alone. Because its times like these that makes you wonder if anyone else would notice if you were gone. Its times like these that make you wonder if those pills on the table would make the hurt go away. It makes you wonder if there's anyone that really cares. Tonight I am alone with only my thoughts, and they haunt me. My mind is my own worst enemy. The things I think to myself do not compare to the biggest bite that any person can take out of me. My inner demons thrash, and they gnaw at my insides. I destroy myself from within, that is why I require the help of others, the flesh of others. Because I am alone in my head.

Stand still

I feel like not much has changed within myself. Im still stuck emotionally unable to continue with emotions I lost what seems like long ago. I woke up and thought "this is so sad. Why am I not able to feel as I use to? Why cant I replace this hole?" Ive tried so many time to fill the void, but it just gets thrown back out as fast, if not faster, than when it was thrown in. I want to like other people I want to have a normal relationship I want to feel "love" because I dont anymore. It was destroyed. I was so utterly broken I would collapse from the sheer nothingness that I felt. I heaved with sadness and I ripped at my chest to try and get the hurt out. Oh so long ago... but here I still am affected by that. How I long for my ignorance of many years past. I still hold onto the frayed string of hope I will find that disastrous love feeling again because it was so powerful. In the fleeting moments that I was happy, I was free. In the crushing moments I was alone, I was nothing without them. In the moments I found out I was second best, I died.
Do the dead have a second chance? When it comes to feelings, I dont know anymore. Im almost ready to give up.
Sin
All I could ever want is you, all you could ever want is everything else.